The Carrie Underwood Illness… Beware, Beware…
If we must talk about the Carrie Underwood Illness, let us call it by its name: lycanthropy. Carrie Underwood is a werewolf, and every night of a full moon she rips some poor victims entrails out over a thirty foot radius… it’s not pretty. It made a few nights of her tenure on American Idol… difficult, let’s just say.
No, we’re kidding. The Carrie Underwood Illness began the day she found that glowing meteorite; how when she touched it she knew either destiny was about to imbue her with vast powers for good… that, or she’d contract radiation poisoning. So that’s it: Carrie Underwood is so saturated with radiation that doctors expect her to do the whole “grow to 50′ and then f*** up a city” thing, any day soon. Check your local papers for Carrie Underwoods touring schedule and expected half-life atomic decay.
Kidding again, she has panic attacks. That’s it, that’s all. That’s the brutal truth of the secret shame behind her malady, her curse… The “Carrie Underwood Illness” is panic attacks. But she says she only gets them around crowds. Which must be difficult, her being a Country Music superstar she must play in front of a whole lot of… crowds…
That has got to suck. I mean, that’s what caused the lead singer/writer of the 80s band XTC to swear off touring. he just couldn’t face the crowd because of panic attacks. Although I presume there are better drugs for this sort of thing now than there was before.
Anyway Carrie Underwood, good luck with your “Carrie Underwood Illness“… at least they named it after you…?